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I’ve talked lately about how I’m going through and giving up many of my things. I hope that letting go of many of my possessions will make my life simpler and easier and cheaper. While considering how having things affects my life, I thought of an intangible that I cling to: ego.
I think I’m only about as self-centered as an average person should be, it’s not that I think I’m especially great or anything. It’s more in the context of Buddhism that I refer to ego. In order to be enlightened or to eliminate suffering, according to Buddhism, you have to let go of self. To be honest, that scares the crap out of me.
This blog is one of the most obvious outward manifestations of my ego. It doesn’t have to be. If I stop looking to see how many people notice me, and concentrate instead on writing and goals, it can be a tool for personal growth rather than a competition of sorts to see how many people I can get to subscribe (an abysmal number at best). If I stop writing to an imaginary audience, I wonder what I’ll write about.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to lose my ego, but the least I can do is be more aware of when it motivates and influences me.
In just under two weeks I’ll be moving in with Jay. His place is completely furnished and decorated, and my clutter isn’t needed (nor wanted by me). I’ve been spending every waking moment at home going through my worldly belongings, some of which have been stashed away and following me around for years. Last night I threw away my postcard collection (correspondence with no real “worth”) and tonight I’ll give away my bouncy-ball collection to my niece. It’s been difficult for me to let many things go, but I know removing clutter from my life will help me with my financial goals. There are so many things that I’ve bought or been given that I haven’t used at all. It’s forced me to face those things, cut my losses, and look at how I can avoid it in the future.
The few things I’ll keep are very thought out, and we’ll find some way to incorporate them into his style so completely different from mine.